Couple Counseling
by The 13th Faerie
Summary: Bella and Edward go to marriage counseling. Will their counselor help or ruin everything?


-1Jordana massaged her neck and rotated her back. She felt as if she'd been sleeping on a bed of concrete. Pushing a strand of hair out of her eyes, she tried to force herself to read Twilight. It was official; all higher powers hated her. Jordana despised Twilight for reasons too long to list, and she thought no one else shared her opinion. Sure, there was the anti-Twilight thread on Gaia, and , but it wasn't the same as having someone share her opinions. During a monotonous day at school, Jordana was informed that she'd been accepted into the League of Anti-Twilighters. She screamed with delight and proceeded to do a victory dance out into the hallway.

Alas, the happy times ended. Jordana had to reread Twilight because apparently knowledge was power. She had to be ready with examples of anti-feminism from

the book, know the main characters, and blah, blah, blah. Personally, Jordana thought this was a legal form of hazing. For crying aloud, she could find thousands of examples of anti-feminism in Twilight on the internet, so why did she have to reread the bloody book? To think she was reading her precious time reading this junk when she could be reading decent books, like Sabriel or the Bartimaeus trilogy. Jordana's eyes skimmed over yet another passage of Edward's whining. She slapped her forehead; he didn't have much of a valid reason to angst. He was rich, could get away with anything, immortal, girls loved him- what was so bad about that, again? Whenever Jordana read about whiny characters (Harry Potter, Sasuke) they at least had a valid reason to whine, or grew up. But no, a hundred and seventeen years and Edward still angsted.

Deciding her brain had been put through enough torture; Jordana slammed Twilight shut and picked up The Amulet of Samarkand. "Good books!" she sighed. Her brain cells began to recover, as did her faith in humanity. She stroked the spine of the book lovingly, debating on calling it "my precious." Jordana decided against it because she really couldn't do Gollum's voice, and she'd look like a fool. "Jordana!" the voice exploded behind her. Whipping around, Jordana faced Nikki, her boss. "I was just….there was a ….I was possessed!" Jordana babbled. "Yep, that's it. Demons came here and possessed me to read The Amulet of Samarkand. It was Bartimaus. He gets jealous when I don't read the books enough. I mean, his books were incredible. He was trying to save me from Edward!" Jordana stopped, realizing she sounded like a buffoon. Nikki raised her eyebrow, a trick Jordana wished she knew. Without realizing it, she started to copy Nikki.

Nikki took a deep breath. "Jordana, I reviewed your work and we find it quite satisfactory."

"Thank you!"

"Let me finish. Shelly was going to counsel the couples, but she's taken ill. Would you like to do it?"

Jordana's first instinct was to scream, "Are you freaking kidding? Yes!" and hop up and down, but she had her dignity and job to consider. "Yes," she said. Nikki nodded her approval. "I thought you might. Go and get ready." With what she considered an enormous amount of restraint, Jordana exited her office and headed to her room. Ten minutes later, she had dressed in a black shirt and black jeans. Nikki met her at the send off gate. "Jordana."

Jordana rolled her eyes and gave Nikki the bomb. "And that one." Another bomb. "And that one." Another bomb.

"And that one." Another bomb.

"Come on, Nikki, how am I going to defend myself? Suppose Edward gets chagrined and attacks me? Meyer said that a human with a bomb could kill him! If I die, I'ma sue your ass."

"It'll be fine. Did you practice blocking your mind?"

"Yeah, I've got Happy Birthday, It's Beginning to feel a lot Like Christmas, Aaron's Party and the Mortal Kombat theme song ready to go. Nikki smiled and stepped aside to let Jordana pass. Jordana giggled; Nikki had forgotten the lighter. "And the lighter!" Nikki called. Blast! Next time, brag when out of Nikki's sensing.

Jordana found herself in a small room. Books lined the shelves and a couch faced a comfortable armchair. It would do. Jordana flopped onto the armchair. A knock sounded. "Come in!" she called. Edward Cullen walked in, Bella Swan at his side. Jordana inhaled. Suddenly, her heartbeat accelerated. Her thoughts grew jumbled, knowing the vampire poser prick could read them. Wait, did he hear that? Oh well. Edward had to learn that not everybody would kiss his ass because he was a pretty boy.

"What are we doing here? This is utterly pointless," Edward said.

"Someone suggested that you undergo marriage counseling."

"Ludicrous!" Edward snapped. "We have no relationship problems."

"Ms. Swan?"

"Her name is Mrs. Cullen," Edward informed Jordana icily. He grabbed her hand and showed the ring to Jordana. "See?"

"Yes, yes, it's very nice." Jordana waved the ring away impatiently. "But I have a job to do. Unlike you, I cannot dazzle my way out things like you, nor do I have a psychic foster sister, so I have to work for a living. Let us begin, shall we? Tell me your names."

Edward's jaw tightened. "Edward Cullen," he snapped.

"Bella Swan."

"What's your name?" Edward demanded.

"I have many names. You, however, may call me Jordana." She paused for effect, waiting for her clients to recognize the Sabriel reference, but they didn't move. Idiots. They wouldn't know a good book if it bit them in the ass. Not that the book would. The book wouldn't waste its time near those two.

"So, can you tell me about the status of your relationship?" Jordana asked.

"We have a very loving relationship," Edward answered. "Bella is my entire life."

"That's right. I would die without Edward," Bella said. Even though Jordana knew this, she still wanted to kick something. She wouldn't, because she'd look childish and hurt her feet.

"How long have you two been dating?"

"Since Bella arrived at Forks," Edward supplied. Jordana looked to Bella for conformation. "A few months or so after I came to Forks," she answered.

"Edward, why did you start to date Bella?"

"She's my angel. I am not worthy of her love. She's incredible- smart, selfless, beautiful." With what she considered an extreme effort, Jordana refrained from making gagging motions.

"What about you, Bella? Why do you love Edward?"

"Because he's my angel. He protects me. I don't deserve him." Oh, for the love of-" Okay, the "happy couple," weren't going to admit their problems straight out. It was time for Plan B. "I hate to tell you- no, actually, I love to tell you- that your relationship is a sham. A complete and utter sham. It's a disgrace to relationships everywhere. It's just a case of teenage infatuation."

Edward surged to his feet. "How dare you!" he seethed. "Bella and I-"

"Can it, vampire boy. I don't give a crap." Jordana smirked at the look of "chagrined fury" that crossed Edward's "angelic features." "How do you know about that?" he demanded. "You should have been killed for possessing that knowledge!"

"What about your wife?"

"That's different."

"No, it's not. My vampire friend told me all about you. You're not really a vampire; you're sparkly faerie."

"I am no such thing!"

"You're right; faeries are much cooler than you. You are more a… I'll get back to you on that."

"I'm the world's best predator. No one can outrun or outfight me." Edward moaned in a strangled voice, "This is the skin of a killer!"

"Oh, for crying out loud. I could list ten people right now who could beat the shit out of you, but I digress. Besides, this is more a topic for The Department of Species Confusion. Now, let's talk about your relationship."

"There's nothing to talk about. Edward and I love each other very much," Bella said.

"Really? Can you describe your relationship to me? What do you do for fun?"

"We kiss. Since I've become a vampire we've been able to-"

With a groan of disgust, Jordana cut Bella off. "I'm not talking about you humping like rabbits. What do you do for fun, talk about?"

"We discuss literature."

"Such as?"

"Wuthering Heights, Romeo and Juliet."

"Can you tell me about that?"

"There was this time in my life when I thought my life was like Romeo and Juliet. Edward left me. I compared him to Romeo and my friend Jacob to Paris"

"So you only "discuss literature" when you're talking about your relationship?"

"Yes. But Edward played me a song one time."

"One time. Does he like any particular brand of music?"

"Classical."

"And you?"

"Anything Edward likes."

"Aha. You know, there's nothing wrong with you disagreeing with your husband."

"Right."

"So, is Edward your first boyfriend?"

"Yes."

"Were you happy when he asked you out?"

"Extremely."

"So it being your first romance, don't you think you might have gotten in over your head?"

"No. Our relationship transcends normal bonds." Jordana was sooooooooo close to slapping Bella and Edward, but she refrained. "Bella, you're a teenager. The first romance is always the most memorable. A guy finally asked you out. It's alright to be all over the moon about it. But marrying him? Statistics show that high school relationships rarely work out."

Edward's jaw tightened. "Those statistics are wrong," he snarled. "Bella, we are leaving." He grabbed Bella by the wrist and dragged her to the door. Bella twisted and squirmed in his grip. "Wait, Edward. I want to listen." Edward was outraged. "You go back there and I'll drag you to my car," he threatened.

Jordana decided she should intervene. Pulling out the emergency weapon used in such situations, she brandished it at Edward. "Let her go. I won't hesitate you use this." Edward's jaw tightened and he returned Bella to her seat. "Would you like me to stay as well?" he inquired.

"No, you can go. I think Bella and I might make more progress this way. And if you even think of reading my mind or eavesdropping, you'll wish Carlisle had let you die." Okay, it wasn't a very good threat, but those were never Jordana's strong point. Controlling his temper, Edward walked out of the room. Jordana heaved a sigh of relief. Finally she might be able to make progress.

"Bella, I hate to tell you this, but your relationship with Edward is an abusive one. Think about it. He never listens to you, overrides your decisions, stalks you, threatens suicide, and is emotionally withholding."

"Edward doesn't-"

"Remember the time vampires were after you? Did Edward listen to your ideas? No, he dragged you to the car and restrained you. Or what about the time Edward had Alice kidnap you, or when he took the engine out of your car to prevent you from seeing Jacob?"

"He was just doing that to protect me," Bella's protests sounded weak.

"Isn't it your right to decide who your friends are?"

" I suppose."

"Do you have any other friends besides Edward and Jacob?"

"No."

"What happens when they're not around? What do you do then?"

Bella shrugged.

"No hobbies, nothing?"

"No."

"So, you cease to exist whenever your boy toys aren't around. Charming. How did you feel when Edward said he'd kill himself rather than live without you?"

"I felt happy."

"So you'd be happy that some guy you just met committed suicide if you died? Wouldn't you feel the least bit guilty about his family?"

"Well, I-"

"Edward watched you sleep. How did you not find this creepy? What would you do if Mike Newton did the same thing?"

"I would freak out and call my father."

"So you can have someone who can snap your neck in 0.16 seconds, craves your blood, and wants to kill you in your room, no problem?"

Bella squirmed in her seat.

"What made you want to start dating Edward?"

"He asked me out and I was delighted. I mean me, Bella Swan, was asked out by Edward Cullen. "

"Ah yes, the famous Edward Cullen. You must have been so happy when he asked you out. He made an exception for you, after all."

" I know, I couldn't believe it."

"So, you chose to date him because he was a "Greek god," was it? Plenty of boys asked you out, but you turned them down."

"Well, I-"

"They weren't attractive enough, were they?" Bella blushed, but didn't deny it.

"So you didn't want to date perfectly nice, plain boys, but you could date a handsome jerk. Do you feel safe, knowing that Edward wants to suck your blood? That you're incapable of stopping him? What does Edward specifically like about you?"

"He likes my blush and my smell. He likes that he can't read my mind, and that I'm clumsy."

"In other words, he likes regular human aspects. It's just a coincidence that he likes you. A nice smell and a fluked power is not a basis for a relationship. Do you think that you're deep?"

"Not really. I'm just a typical teenage girl."

"And if Edward could read your mind, do you think that he'd stay with you?"

"No." Exactly. Bella thought like the typical teenage girl, and Edward hated those. Jordana smiled in satisfaction. She was getting somewhere. "Can you picture yourself living your whole life with a man who never listens to you, forces you to do something, and only likes you for your smell? Can you?"

"No." Bella burst into tears. "What am I going to do?" Jordana patted her on the back. "It'll be alright," she assured her. "You'll see." Inwardly Jordana was crowing and singing "We are the Champions." Success!

Fifteen minutes later, Jordana delivered Bella into the waiting room. Bella looked much better now that she had taken the first step in recovering from her Edward Cullen addiction. Edward surged to his feet and grabbed Bella's arm. "Are you ready to go, love?"

Bella shook her head. "No, Edward. I want a separation."

Chagrin flashed across Edward's features. "Love, you can't be serious. Did this woman hurt you? Did she force you to say this?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "No, Edward. Believe it or not, I am perfectly capable of forming my own thoughts. Or at least, I used to be. Jordana's right. You never listen to me, stalk me, whine all the time, and don't care about what I want. You act like my father!"

"Bella, I only did what I did to protect you!"

"You should have listened to me. I've forgotten what it's like to be my own person. Besides, I'm a vampire now. All the things about me that you were attracted to are gone. It's over Edward." Bella's voice shook, but she delivered her speech quite nicely. Edward looked chagrined. "Please, Bella, reconsider. I love you."

"No, you don't. You only loved my human qualities. They're gone now. Nothing can keep us together." With that, Bella turned to Jordana and exhaled. "Thanks for all your help."

"No problem. So I'll see you next week for more sessions?"

Bella nodded emphatically. "Yes, thank you. I can't believe how stupid I was. I didn't even realize it."

"Well you do now, and that's the first step to recovery. I'll see you next week. Bye." Jordana hugged Bella awkwardly and turned to Edward. "Do you want counseling as well? I can counsel you about why you and Bella weren't in a relationship and why you wanted to pretend that you were? My colleagues can counsel you about your species confusion." His jaw tight with rage, Edward stalked out of the room. Jordana sighed, satisfied. One couple and been broken up, and someone was seeing the light. Now she just had to take care of Sam and Emily, Quill and Claire, and Jacob and Reneesmee.


End file.
